The will of The Innocent

Have you ever sneezed and hiccoughed at the same time?
Have you ever cried out while swallowing a tonsil?
Have you never heard someone do all four feats together while defying the basic laws of gravity AND not pee their pants?

I, The Eater of Breakfast, did hear this today.

Angela, The Innocent Bysitter, was enjoying a late morning snuggle with Miss Amelia Breastsbane while I had repast in the kitchen. It was here that I experienced the unusual auditory trappings described above. It was a two second snippet from the soundtrack of Rabid Raccoon Fiercely Attacks a Three Legged Hyena Guarding it’s Only Kill.

It will never be heard again.

The Innocent reached for her paperback, pressing the pages easily to her chest to settle in for some downtime when The Creature struggled it’s mighty cephalothorax over the spine of the book. It gained a measure of traction on her left hand and cast all caution to the wind in a failed attempt to end it’s own life.
If only it had held still The Innocent may have squashed it flat at a reasonable distance but with an undeniable zeal this suicidal arachnid jumped the gun and lept headlong from the book, off of her hand, and into her lap.

In this location The Magnificent Maneater persisted for a mere microtick as the universal constant of time was abruptly halted. Gravity was defrayed in the wrinkle of space-time and so through sheer force of will and a healthy dose of the aforementioned sound effect The Innocent did relocate The Significant Beast to a new position across the room.

With the wrinkle smoothed out and the time-constant restored The Gigundus Creature scurried for cover and cowered beneath a mighty tower containing clothes. Here it contemplated it’s future, reflected on it’s storied career, praised Araneae for it’s second chance and a new lease on life, and basically resisted arrest.

Twenty mortal minutes later a room was in shambles while The Tremendous Wall Crawler was subdued, transported, and released back into the wild equidistant from four future dens.
The Benevolent Eater of Breakfast warned it against re-entry lest The Innocents still boiling fury be unleashed against it in defense of it’s charge, Miss Amelia Breastsbane.